Parenting Toddlers.... Simultaneously.

i love you not...

i love you...

facebook is a definite vice of mine and i certainly enjoy reading about people's lives.  i feel empowered to share something today after reading 80-some responses about quirkiness and the weird things we do.  strangely, people weren't judging each other!  i hope in reading this, you won't judge me after you read this entry.  i think we all have our struggles in love, marriage, raising kids, work...  i am no different but just have a platform to vocalize these struggles.  parenting toddlers simultaneously is serious work and something I seriously struggle with.  this post is not about how we magically solved our problems; but rather admitting we don't have the answers, our parenting style is a work in progress, and reflecting on what we can do better.  hopefully my admission about my shortcomings as a mother helps me reflect on what i do well and, more specifically, what i can do better.  if it helps you through your parenting struggles, too, well, that's an added bonus.

it should go without saying that i absolutely adore my children!  they are funny, smart, inquisitive, and pretty stinkin' cute.  i love being their mom.  but they are also crabby, whiny, needy, and demanding.  the later four characteristics are, unfortunately, what i normally see.  and sadly, this takes the enjoyment out of parenting for me.  while they are finally starting to play together, in the blink of an eye, they turn on each other and on me.  what's even more perplexing is that they can turn on and off this behavior for d, and the in-laws.  i think they have a fearful respect of their father and gpa, and that mil's elementary education background gives her skills that i don't use in my upper elementary/secondary teaching.  i am always amazed by how d's mom is so good with the kids, especially minihe.  there have been very few times i can recall her giving him a timeout.  pretty sure he's never gotten a spanking at their house, either.  i have always heard d's family comment on how well-behaved d and his sister were as kids.  d's mom was also a sahm (stay-at-home-mom) for their early childhood years, which is yet another reason i think she's so good with my kids - she developed strategies as a parent 27 years ago that serve her incredibly well as an elementary teacher and grandmother today.

identifying the fact i struggle with parenting takes a lot for me.  i generally only do things i'm good at, but i obviously can't discontinue parenting because it's hard -- and it's only going to get harder.  i want so desperately to have polite, quiet, well-behaved children that use their manners without being prompted, that follow directions the first time, and that are cooperative 100% of the time.  but who am i kidding?  everybody ideally wants their children to be that way.  i have great admiration for parents that have done an excellent job of raising their children, many of whom are my relatives.  perhaps that's what makes me aspire even more to be a better parent and raise better children: because i know it can be done.

their kids don't just become this way overnight.  they have established clear guidelines, expectations, consequences, and rewards.  this is not a revelation for me or probably for you, either.  the purpose these observations serve for me is to reflect on what i can do differently and how i can adapt my parenting to achieve that level of success with my own children.  from what i have seen, they remain calm, speak with care and respect, and probably most important of all - follow through.  i know what i need to do, i just don't know how to do it and make the change last when it gets hard.

i am impatient.  i raise my voice way too much.  i am not always "present" with them.  these, among others, are my major shortfalls when it comes to my parenting.  i have tried positive reinforcement; i have tried redirecting; i have tried speaking calmly; i have tried countless other strategies to manage minihe's rollercoaster-like behavior and minishe's drama-filled tantrums.  all i have found is that he'll do well for a few days and then he reverts back to old behaviors, and that she is spoiled and isn't satisfied until she gets her way.  i am somewhat of a pushover and have probably enabled these behaviors just to keep the house peaceful.  i wouldn't go so far as to say that we can't control our kids, but their behaviors are so upsetting to us that we don't take them to places where sitting still for longer than 5 minutes is required.  the different ways we parent and the results they yield has created some disagreements in our marriage.  perhaps this is partially because after we agree on a strategy we want to be effective, we both revert back to our own ineffective behaviors that contribute to this situation.  one more admission - i do this more frequently than d does...  

i will have to say that despite our different parenting philosophies, we back each other up and support the decisions we make when another parent is not present.  presenting a united front, regardless if we agree with it or not, is the most important parenting philosophy we share.  i don't want to discipline my children with fear.  i want to discipline them with love, respect, and authority.  i do not have answers for how to actually achieve this.  all i know for sure is that i will keep trying to be a better parent, and the first step for me is confessing how much i struggle in these efforts and recognizing that there are better ways to achieve a happy household.

maybe you have your own struggles.  maybe you have some effective strategies that work for you.  either way, embracing these struggles and how we overcome them is one of the greatest joys of parenting - knowing that we're not alone in our endeavor to raise a generation of kids that are caring, respectful, thoughtful, and considerate.

what have you done well in your parenting?  what do you wish you could do better at?  sound off in the comment area below this post!